What Do You Mean It's Haunted?
by Nyarlathotep Shagged Yer Mum
Summary: In which Team 7 provides a guiding hand to our favorite Jedi and Senator. Or the one where the bored ghosts of Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura (sometimes Kakashi, Yamato, and Sai) gives (sometimes terrible, sometimes crazy, more often than not, downright impossible) advise to Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Padme. The galaxy will never be the same. (ObiAniDala and NaruSasuSaku)
1. Chapter 1

Summary: In which Team 7 provides a guiding hand to our favorite Jedi and Senator. Or the one where the bored ghosts of Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura (sometimes Kakashi, Yamato, and Sai) gives (sometimes terrible, sometimes crazy, more often than not, downright impossible) advise to Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Padme. The galaxy will never be the same.

Warnings: Crack.

* * *

 _ **What Do You Mean It's Haunted?**_

Obi-Wan had always imagined that if ever there was an angry and vengeful ghost that would possess him, it would have to come from an ancient, evil holocron he needed to retrieve after an epic explosion in a haunted Sith temple full of wraiths angry of Sith lords, and not by a bubble twelve year-old with pink hair through a cute red hair ribbon Bant picked up from on a whim from a storage room that she then playfully used to tie his hair with.

At least Sakura is nice. Was nice. What would be the appropriate tense that applied to a ghost anyway?

"You're really small," she said above him, observing his almost 13 year old body with almost clinical detachment. "Have you been drinking enough milk? Because your job description sounds like you will be encountering plenty of broken bones. Calcium rich food helps with strengthening bone structure and helps you grow taller. Tall teammates are horrible."

Obi-Wan nodded, but his expression was one of horror as a random captive had his collar explode in an escape attempt by going past the parameters.

"Well, there goes Plan A-2."

"A-2? What's A-1? What's Plan B even?" Obi-Wan ignored the strange looks sent his way. Then again, he was a Jedi (hopeful, but the hope was torn off and smashed into smithereens, spat on, and set on fire by one Qui-Gon Jinn. Then again, it may or may not have been a collective decision as part of a conspiracy plotted by a Jedi autocracy composed suspiciously of Master Yoda's lineage), so the stares didn't last long.

"Plan A-1 is punching the collar off your throat," Sakura replied serenely, she looked younger than twelve in that moment. Obi-Wan can only stare. To the onlooker, it looked as if he was staring into nothing, rather reminiscent of someone who went to three wars and wondered how he got so unlucky not to have died in the battlefield and conveniently forgot to attend all his counselling sessions.

Sakura grinned, flipping her semi-transparent pink hair. "Just joking, I meant to do this actually."

Her translucently pale hand passed through his collar, she stuck her tongue out in concentration. Then she made a whoop in victory when the device fell, threat neutralised.

"Ha! Easy peasy, they used to taught us how to get out of binders and other stuff like that."

"But… you lived in a very primitive world compared to this as you conveniently told me about your childhood and community a few days ago before I was shipped out, and you used ropes. And flimsi. Magic flimsi, but flimsi still. How can you possibly compare it to technology thousands of years advanced from yours?"

"Well… look! A convenient boulder I can teach you how to punch through with the use of my ancient and powerful technique that people conveniently forgot either because of poor book keeping, refusal to teach others because of something like military trade secret or the hopeful student being unworthy, laser-guided amnesia, or no one for some reason or the other managed to replicate it! Come on!"

Obi-Wan followed her dubiosly, avoiding the accusing stares. Accusing him of what he does not know. Perhaps doubts of his sanity prevented them from trying to ask him to free them. Never mind tgat, he had an evil plot to thwart.

"Tell me again, why does this super rich and super powerful businessman so interested in turning this world full of natural resources into an industrial ruin? I mean, more money yes, but there are safe and environment-friendly methods in extracting metal and precious stones? I mean, wouldn't it be more beneficial to keep your workers in a healty environment to avoid things like unnecessary deaths and a drain in resources like manpower needed to take other species as slaves? That is not cheap."

"Well, that is true, but we are currently fighting someone who basically represents all the bad things of a capitalist system gone wrong. Or is it communism? Either way, Xanatos and Offworld is an example of ideals and bigotry of super bigoted and greedy corporate higher class people born with privilege and power that goes with nepotism tend to be." Obi-Wan paused, pensive. "Speaking of which, will this somehow affect my worldview of the political class and how capitalist corporations and religious organisations have influence in the government and other administrative positions."

"I dunno. As someone who benefited from an autocratic oligarchy due to getting married to someone who held a position of power, friends with people in positions of power, and being someone who was once in a position of power - a quick disclaimer - I was generally unaware of many declassified and off the books operations that involved other departments, seeing as my position of power was in healthcare. Which is why I will not vehemently defend your democratic system with a structure that makes no sense to me because we choose leaders by measuring how good they are at punching."

"Ah."

"Yes, now gather your chakra-"

"-the Force, you mean?"

"-yes, chakra, the Force, chi, magic, mana - what have you - on your fist."

Skeptical, Obi-Wan did as was told, gathering the waves of energy around his clenched fist. He focused most of the Force there,waiting for further instructions. "Okay."

"Then punch that boulder -also, release all that nice and pent up potential energy into a gigantic burst of kinetic energy. Kinda like setting off a bomb, but with punching."

"Oh-kaaaay…" Still, Obi-Wan did as was told, pulling his arm back before punching the stone. He let the Force explode outwards, a powerful shock wave rippling across the boulder before it shattered into a thousand tiny pieces.

"On your first try, too! Well, that means you have excellent chakra-"

"-the Force-"

"-control! Which makes the next stuff easier."

Why? Why could it not have been a haunted orange, or something? What happened to the epic holocron? The internal battle between light and dark. Overcoming an evil spirit by the power of the Code, friendship, and no attachments.

"That's pretty counter-intuitive," Sakura commented off-habdedly. "Power of friendship, yet no attachments? Kinda like saying chocolate cake without the cake, or chocolate. Instead, it's something evil like mocha buttercream."

Obi-Wan raised a brow. "Hush, I'm still fantasizing my inevitable heroic sacrifice, near suicidal recklessness, adrenaline junkie tendencies, and extremely internalised insecurity that could have been potentially resolved by regular counselling sessions. Lots and lots of counselling sessions."

"You know, we never had that luxury since we tended to have plenty of operations that involved classified stuff civilians are not allowed to hear without signing a waiver and consent to have black ops monitor them 24/7 for the rest of their lives."

"I think I will look back into this in twenty years before I can confidently say 'I feel you.'" Obi-Wan tried to pat her on the back. Sakura's translucency made it ineffective. Still, she appreciated it all the same. "For now, leave me to my fantasies of crushed hopes of heroism bought upon by an internalised desire to look for meaning in life onset by an early existential crisis born out of the lack of world experience and further nurtured by strict dogma and cult-ish manner of child-rearing and developed fear of disappointing an ever stagnating Big Brother figure thinly disguised as the Jedi equivalent of an autocratic oligarchy."

"Okay, but while you are fantasizing your somewhat cynical heroic tale, let me tell you the time when I had an existential crisis because a reptilian old man decided he wants my future husband's body at the age of twelve and convinced my husband to run away with him. They lived together for about two years."

"Where were the cops?"

"He is the cops."

"Oh my."

"Ha! If he was here now, he'd be in absolute denial it was a love affair…. Well, technically it isn't, but it was absolutely fun teasing him about it."

"Technically?"

"Well, my husband had to learn a few things that took about two years before the snake person tried to take his body. It was more of a possession thing, though. Turns out snake person is a body surfer."

"I see…."

"Everything got better though."

"And your death and status as a ghost is a testament to what exactly?"

"That leaving your spirit asleep in a ribbon can be pretty boring."

"How boring, exactly?" Oh nice, the two arrived wherever they were supposed to.

"Deathly boring," Sakura replied gravely.

Obi-Wan groaned.


	2. Chapter 2

Summary: Qui-Gon discovers the power of punching.

Warnings: Still crack.

What Do You Mean It's Haunted?

Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon had discovered, had the tendency to punch his way through problems. That and the boy had a bubbly pink imaginary friend. Obi-Wan even drew her once. Using dirt and sticks.

Already, Qui-Gon felt horrible for almost turning Obi-Wan aside. Had he known the tiny Jedi liked to punch his problems in the face, Qui-Gon wouldn't have been an arse in the first place.

"You could use a little more elbow," the older Jedi commented, observing the convenient boulder shatter. Good thing it wasn't a load bearing boulder, else they would all be crushed to death. Obi-Wan looked like he wanted to roll his eyes, but settled on glaring at the invisible figure at his side. Qui-Gon felt that his apprentice (Obi-Wan doesn't know it yet, Qui-Gon will surprise him with it once they avert this life or death situation) will need therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.

"Now, imagine that's Bruck Chun's face, and your fist is a lightsaber."

"Master Jinn!" Obi-Wan began, scandalised, "that's against the code!"

"Pffft, code schmode, I do what I want."

"The council won't like this."

"The council are over fifty thousand light-years away, they have no way of monitoring whatever we say."

"That's what they like you to think…."

"What was that?"

"Nothing, Master Jinn."

"Thought so."

Obi-Wan made a pained noise, rubbing his bruised knuckles. He rolled his eyes, but not at Qui-Gon. "Yes, I know. When I get to someplace that sells military grade stuff. What? No!"

A luminous blush turned Obi-Wan's face redder than his hair, the tips of his ears a bright pink. "Are you even twelve?" He asked out loud, twice as scandalised.

Qui-Gon coughed. "As much as I am amused by this one-sided conversation, we have an evil ex -apprentice to stop."

The boy blinked. "You mean the corporate autocrat who benefited from nepotism?"

"Yes, that's the one."

"Okay. Let's go."

The Jedi duo navigated the complicated mines, conveniently guided by an omnipotent and omnipresent energy source, that for some reason have its personal agenda. Theoretically, it wants to be true neutral, but its minions were either too lawful good or too chaotic evil. There were the chaotic good and lawful evil, but they don't last as long.

Qui-Gon Jinn is neutral good though, but he'll soon lean towards chaotic good soon enough. Once he finishes working out more benefits of having a minio- apprentice that can't punch problems into submission.

"Hello, I am Xanatos," greeted the evil corporate capitalist. The man turned towards Qui-Gon. "You killed my father, now die."

Xanatos made a pained noise when Obi-Wan blocked his way.

"You're gonna hit a kid?" Obi-Wan made his best kicked puppy expression. Even Qui-Gon's heart melted at the almost tearful expression. Even Sith lords will melt at that sight. Predictably, Xanatos lets his guard down, cursing the power of crying children.

"Alright, I'll let you hit me first with your 'saber, then I will kill Qui-Gon Jinn." Xanatos made an open gesture, deactivating his lightsaber.

Qui-Gon blinked. For a second there, he thought he saw an expression of pure malicious glee on Obi-Wan's face, but it disappeared soon enough.

'Oh, so this is the power of punching,' Qui-Gon thought in amazement, as Xanatos flew through non-load bearing structures, somehow still alive despite his speed of 200 km/s reduced by 10km/s for every pillar he destroyed upon impact.

"Hopefully, he had temporary amnesia. I hit him real hard in the head," Obi-Wan chattered on, pulling the Jedi Master to the outside world. "Ugh, both of my knuckles are bruised, anymore punching and they'll be bloody as hell."

"We should get you gloves," Qui-Gon managed, still amazed at the superhuman strength his (unknowing) apprentice displayed.

Obi-Wan made a frustrated noise. "Exactly! And how am I supposed to get military grade gloves, complete with giant insulation plus tough exterior if I'll be stuck here in Bandomeer?"

"The temple can provide. We can get you bandages as well. Keep your fists nice and tight, avoid dislocation of finger bones and that."

"Newsflash Master Jinn, you rejected me as your padawan. And rejected my hopes, dreams, and reasons to continue being a productive member of society. My newfound inhuman strength, my Jedi training, and Force sensitivity should be able to keep me alive and make a killing in underground fighting rings. I'd probably attract the attention of a secretly evil Sith lord disguised a sleazy politician, but hey! I can get a personal yacht or something."

Qui-Gon snorted. "Well, I'll just feel mildly disturbed by your somewhat specific career choice and somewhat specific scenario, but I have a newsflash of my own, my wayward apprentice."

"Wait, what?"

"Apprentice, padawan, minion, footstool - you name it."

"So…. My hopes and dreams aren't totally crushed? But! What made you change your mind?"

Qui-Gon gave Obi-Wan his most serene expression. "The power of punching."

Obi-Wan's left eye twitched.

To Obi-Wan's ears only, he heard Sakura say, rather smugly, "I told you so."


	3. Chapter 3

Summary: In which Obi-Wan learns to make use of psychological warfare. Or the part where Sakura coaches him in the fine art of passive aggressive vengeance.

Notes: I would like to thank try the Carnivorous Muffin for inspiring me.

What Do You Mean It's Haunted?

Bruck Chun is and will always be a nuisance. However, the power of sending a grown man flying through the air close to the speed of sound had Obi-Wan's maturity getting a time-skip from 12 to 25 in a single day. So, instead of getting irritated as Chun's jeers, Obi-Wan simply gave the other boy a serene expression. Or something close to it anyway.

Except it wasn't Obi-Wan who was smiling Bruck. It was Sakura who's giving Bruck the sweet expression with barely concealed promises of pain and humiliation. She decided to basically hijack Obi-Wan's body and have a test drive. Her tenth test drive. That was definitely the reason why Obi-Wan did not test the power of punching on the unfortunate initiate.

"So Master Jinn took pity on little Oafy-Wan! Did you trip at his feet and he forgot to take you back to your mum, huh? Or he can't take the crazy back to his mum, huh?" Chun's groupie jeered and sneered in a childish cacophony. They cornered Obi-Wan, thinking that if Bant, Garen, and the others weren't there, no one would stop Obi-Wan from flinging himself to Chun and beat the living daylight out of the bully. Except they were probably going to have a Master or a Knight catch Obi-Wan to get him in trouble.

Obi-Wan was doing the ghostly equivalent of gritting his teeth. Floating rather uselessly close to his body. Sakura's (or Obi-Wan's) expression turned calculating for half a second, and Obi-Wan's curiosity suddenly piqued. She didn't usually hijack his body, and when she did, it was for a reason.

Obi-Wan would have screamed if he was in possession of his body. Well, he did scream, only Sakura was the one who heard it. She didn't show that she did, though.

Like now. Her (rather, his) expression was the same serene smile bordering on sickly sweet. Sakura's (Obi-Wan's) arms around Chun's shoulders in a very intimate and very romantic embrace. Romantic for a twelve year old anyway.

There was dead silence.

Then the silence went on.

And on.

And on.

"Uh… Kenobi?" Bruck was still in a state of shock, his ears tinted pink. He started to struggle, trying to disengage the hug. He tried pushing Sakura (Obi-Wan) off, but her inhuman strength carried over through the body surf. Well, Obi-Wan already had about ten percent of her inhuman strength, but still!

"Get off me Kenobi!" Chun all but screamed, panic on his voice. His friends were all too stunned to make a reaction. Even Obi-Wan (the floating spirit) was to stunned to make a reaction as well.

"Are you using Alderaanian coconut shampoo?" Sakura asked through Obi-Wan's voice, and then made a loud and exaggerated sniff. "It smells really good."

Bruck spluttered, too flustered to make a coherent response. Obi-Wan hid his face in his hands, ready to die from second hand embarrassment. Sakura then proceeded to nuzzle Chun's neck, and the other boy made an indignant sound. His struggles were futile.

Slowly, but surely, his groupie proceeded to abandon him to this… torture.

Obi-Wan wanted to die right then and there, but he'll probably be stuck with Sakura in that infernal ribbon.

"Kenobi! What if a Master sees us?" Chun tried shaking Sakura off, but to no avail.

"What? You make it sound like I'm a senator in an illicit and forbidden affair with a Jedi knight. This is just a hug between two prepubescent boys." Sakura sounded really hurt and heartbroken, but Obi-Wan knew better. "Besides, I've noticed that you've had a crush on me since forever. I forgive you for all the times you bullied me. Even if logically, I should hate your guts for forever, and that's what you'd feel like that you deserve for being a scaredy cat about your feelings."

Chun made a pained noise, and to Obi-Wan's horror, Chun also made an expression similar to a criminal caught guilty.

Oh no.

Oh fucking no.

ALL OF THE YEARS OF BULLYING FOR A STUPID CRUSH?

Sakura was giving Obi-Wan a Look. It was a look that said 'well, duh', it was a look Obi-Wan found himself being a frequent receiver of from the pink-haired ghost. It was the same look she gave him when he refused to believe her that the power of punching will convince Qui-Gon Jinn to take him as a Padawan Learner.

It took Obi-Wan exactly five minutes to understand what she was getting at.

This.

Was.

Blackmail material.

"Obi-Wan! Are you okay? We heard Bruck… is… bullying you?" Garen and Bant skidded into a halt, half horrified and half shocked.

"Shhhh…," shushed Sakura, making a vague gesture with Obi-Wan's shoulders. "We're having a Moment."

Bruck turned bright red, but he wasn't struggling anymore. In fact. He looked like he… liked it even. However, there was a Master rounding up the corner behind Sakura that everyone saw except for her.

Bruck then renewed his struggling. Sakura held on, bordering bone-crushing. Which had Chun turn desperate. In a sudden burst, he pushed Obi-Wan's body off using the Force. Sakura flew off to the wall made an 'oomph' sound, and her spirit actually flew out of his body. In a panic, Obi-Wan dove back inside, a little dizzy from the transition from a weightless ghost to a somewhat light kid.

Also, the Master began marching towards the two with a very stern expression. And that Master was Mace Windu.

"What is going on here?" he said with a disappointed expression. He looked very Unamused. "Care to explain why you thought to use the Force to harm Padawan Kenobi, Initiate Chun?"

"Protect Chun so he owes you!" Sakura all but screamed. Summoning calm and confidence Obi-Wan did not possess, and all his acting skills, he turned to Master Windu with an almost tearful expression.

"This is my fault Master Windu. I made Initiate Chun uncomfortable and ignored his personal space, he was just reacting." Obi-Wan gave himself ten pats on the back for his A acting. "I take responsibility for what happened. Initiate Chun said to go away multiple times and I ignored it."

Initiate Chun was holding his face in his hands, bright red and almost luminescent. It made a sharp contrast against his white hair.

"And what were you doing to invade his personal space, Padawan Kenobi?"

"I was giving him a hug." Obi-Wan's expression was carefully blank, his tone almost blithe but not quite disrespectful.

"Really?" Oh crap, Obi-Wan almost forgot that the Council had cameras everywhere. Well, it did not seem likely that Master Windu already reviewed the footage, but one can't be too sure with the council. What if they take Obi-Wan to the reeducation rooms? What if they discover that he knows that they know what he knows? What if his friends were the secret police and we're going to make their report later and they'd take Obi-Wan to a room full of rodents? Obi-Wan should have escaped while he still can.

Then Master Windu sighed in exasperation. "I'll be having Qui-Gon give you lessons in personal space. As for you Initiate Chun… I recommend meeting Master Dooku, he may give you a lesson or two in control. You can find him in the archives. If you hear Jocasta Nu laughing… don't approach until you see either one appear. You don't need to be scarred for life."

Bruck nodded and bolted as quickly as possible when Master Windu nodded back. He then turned to Obi-Wan.

The Padawan gave Windu the sweetest, most innocent expression. "Will Bruck get in trouble? I know we don't see eye to eye," Garen snorted, "and I do know that he may not be the most agreeable of people," Bant made a choking noise, "but I don't think that he deserves to be punished for reacting in a tight situation."

Mace Windu gave Obi-Wan Kenobi a Look. Drat, Obi-Wan had been had. Both of them know that Obi-Wan had ulterior motives, but Mace Windu had no proof that it was an elaborate plot to cause Bruck Chun immense distress from passive-aggressive psychological warfare. Still, Obi-Wan kept his expression innocent, while Sakura held his shoulders in a ghostly sign of support.

"Really, now?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure that this is not an elaborate passive-aggressive attack through the use of psychological warfare?"

"Absolutely. I mean, even if it was, I do know the council does not condone bullying and would you rather that I punched him instead?"

"Well, no. I'd rather like to think that we raised honourable Jedi hopefuls."

"Citizens of Oceania, you mean."

"Excuse me?"

"T'was nothing, Master Windu. I do believe that I have a lesson about personal space with Master Jinn, correct?"

"I suppose so."

"Very well then, see you in the next mission debriefing!" Obi-Wan wanted the council member cheerily, and then proceeded to drag Bant and Garen. Neither protested.

"That was close," Sakura breathed in relief, floating next to Obi-Wan.

"Damn right."

"Who are you talking to, Obi-Wan?"

"Sakura, the ghost who had been haunting me since Bant gave me that ribbon."

"Oh."

\--

I also thank George Orwell.


End file.
